Romanian Attack Orphans
Mom and Dad have some friends who live in Monaco and the wife, Valerie, is a big movie producer in France. Valerie and Pierre (a French cinematographer) have adopted an eight year old girl from an orphanage in Romania and Mom would like to adopt a human baby too because she can’t make one herself (there’s something wrong with her ginch). Dad doesn’t want any human babies, he’s happy with dogs.
Valerie and Pierre were here for dinner last night but in the middle of dinner, Valerie’s cell phone rang. Right away, everybody at the table knew there was a major problem. They all got very quiet to hear the call, which was from the English nanny. I heard the whole thing, even the tiny voice of the nanny because I’m a dog and can hear hundreds of times better than humans.
Nanny: “The nasty little minger bit me! She bloody bit me in the tit!”
Valerie: “Oh, no! I’m so sorry. Put her on the phone right away. (then to Frank) She bit the nanny.”
Nanny: “Get over here now, you cow, and talk to your mother. You’re in big trouble.”
Then the Romanian orphan got on the phone and yelled so loud, everyone at the table heard it.
Romanian orphan: “You’d better fire this whore NOW or I’m going to cut myself. I’m going to swallow all the pills in the medicine cabinet unless you come home right NOW!”
Valerie: “Calm down, Darling, Mummie will be home in a few minutes. Try to relax. Play with your disco barbie. Put that new outfit on her and Mummie will be right back.”
Pierre and Valerie got up from the table.
Mom: “She bites? Oh, my God.”
Valerie: “It’s awful. She has an attachment disorder and she bites my breasts. She almost bit my nipple off! She hits me as hard as she can and she hasn’t looked at me in the eye for years. I’m covered in bruises.”
Dad: “Can’t you give the kid back? Return it?”
Valerie: “We can’t give her back. It’s ruined our lives. We haven’t had a relaxing weekend in years. She’s been biting us ever since we got her out of Romania.”
Mom: “Oh my God! What are you going to do?”
Pierre: “She bit the last nanny and she quit. At least here, the nannies don’t sue like in the States. It’s been a tremendous strain.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. A dog would be put down for this stuff.
Pierre: “I’m sorry guys, we’re going to have to go. We’ve got a situation. Come on Val.”
After they left, in the kitchen, Mom and Dad were cleaning up and having esspressos. Finley and I were helping out by doing the pre-rinse cycle on the dishes, licking up all the left over sauce and getting them ready for the dishwasher.
Mom: “What if we adopted a little girl from Bangladesh, a four or five year old? We could give her a life.”
Dad: “Didn’t you hear Valerie? They bite!”
Mom: “They don’t all bite!”
Dad: “Ours would. It’ll grow up and burn the house down and murder us. Forget it. No way.”
Mom: “Jinky bites. You want to return him?”
Dad: “He bites other people, to protect us. If I could get a kid who would only bite burglars—like an attack orphan, then maybe.”
Mom: “But ours wouldn’t turn out like that, we’d have an adorable, beautiful little girl who could have a wonderful life with us! There are so many who need loving homes. They’re just waiting for someone to love them, like dogs at the pound!”
Dad: “No! I’m not getting anything you can’t take back. With our luck, the kid would steal all my money and become a criminal. I’m not adopting some ex-commie pyromaniac crook. Let’s just stick to dogs.”
Mom: “Oh come on. You’re being harsh.”
Dad: “No really, did you ever think that we’re not supposed to have kids? That maybe our bodies are refusing to have kids to save us? Our bodies are trying to save us from making a terrible mistake!”
It’s just as well they’re put off by the biting Romanian orphan. They couldn’t handle a child. They’re too immature.